How to rebuild trust after gambling and lying about it

Start here: Trust takes nights. Start with tonight.

They know now. Maybe you told them, maybe they found the statement. Either way, there was the gambling and there was the hiding, and for some partners and families the hiding is what hurts most. "How can I believe anything you say?" is a fair question, and it is a hard one to hear.

Trust does not come back in one conversation. It comes back slowly, through small things you do again and again. There is no set timeline, and the other person gets to decide when they feel it. What you can control is what you do this week.

If you feel unsafe or are thinking about hurting yourself, call or text 988 now (in Canada, 9-8-8). If you are in danger, call your local emergency number. The full list of lines by country is at the bottom of this page.

In the first days

1. Stop the betting you can stop today. Self exclude, block the sites, take the card off your phone. Actions say more than words right now. How to self exclude from every sportsbook walks through it.
2. Answer questions honestly. If they ask and you do not know, say "I do not know yet, I will find out." Do not round down.
3. Let them be angry. Anger, silence and tears are normal. You do not need to defend yourself or explain it away. "I understand why you are upset" is enough. Threats or being hurt are not part of rebuilding trust, and if that happens, call your local emergency number or a helpline.
4. Do not promise it will never happen again. A big promise is easy to make and hard to keep. Promise the next steps instead.

If you have not told them yet, start with how to tell your partner you have been gambling, which also covers what to do if telling them may not be safe.

Offer openness before they ask

When you have been hiding things, one useful thing is to make hiding hard. You can offer:

• Your statements, once a week, without being asked.
• The blocking passcode, so they hold it, not you. Steps for iPhone and Android.
• A say over spare money, if they want it. Read letting someone you trust hold your money.
• A regular check in. Ten minutes on the same day each week: how the week went, any urges, anything they want to ask.

Let them choose what they want. Some people want to see everything. Some do not want to be the one checking. Both are fine.

Small promises, kept

Trust is rebuilt one kept promise at a time, so make promises you can keep:

• "I will be home by nine." Then be home by nine.
• "I will show you the statement on Sunday." Then show it on Sunday.
• "If I get an urge I will tell you." Then tell them, even when it is awkward.

A small promise kept every week can mean more than a big speech.

If you slip

If it is safe to, tell them yourself, and tell them soon. Finding out is what breaks trust again. If telling them could put you at risk, talk it through with a helpline first. Hearing it from you, early, is different. Say what happened, what you have done about it, and what you will change. Then read what to do after you gambled again.

Their questions, again and again

They may ask the same questions more than once, or bring it up weeks later. That can feel like they are not letting it go. Often it is how people check that the ground is solid. Answer calmly each time. If it starts to feel like the only thing you talk about, agree on a time for it, like the weekly check in.

Support for both of you

You do not have to do this as a pair on your own. Gambling helplines talk with partners and family, not only with the person who bets, and they can point you to counselling. Gam-Anon (gam-anon.org) is for the people around a gambler. Your partner may want support of their own, and that is a good sign, not a bad one.

If you are carrying shame about the lies, what to do with gambling shame and guilt can help.

Pause before the next bet

Hold The Bet is free with no account. It shows your own number and reason and holds a 30 second pause before you bet, with a one tap text to the person you are rebuilding with.